You and me

Sometimes is seems like nothing ever happened between the two of us. I don’t remember your voice anymore, I don’t even know what you look like anymore. You left no footprints in my environment, not one. Everything is gone, except the footprint in my heart. I will always carry my thoughts about you with me. Even though our love had passed, there is still something between us, I can’t describe, but we both know it’s still here. But you need to know, I’m fine. I finally know I can make it on my own and sometimes I even forget about you for a little while.

My friends are still around, they take pretty good care of me. They didn’t leave because of my useless stories about missing you, they made me smile again, I couldn’t have done it without them. I changed, I know. There’s still this life I had before we met, it only changed a bit. I enjoy my weekends, flirt with pretty guys, I drink too much. Because you taught me to, I’m not as scared as I was before.

Together we would be a hundred, but forever didn’t last at us. And I’m still alive, I’m doing fine.

But then you come back around, one way or another, surprising me. Just some little things that remind me of you more and more. Those things make me miss you more than you could ever imagine.

Maybe it’s just my imagination, but those things come more and more often, dreams of you, things I hear. I don’t know what to do about it.

Sometimes it even feels like you’re standing next to me, not in person, more like the wind. And even though I thought I couldn’t remember your voice anymore, sometimes I hear you laugh, when I wonder what to do with some technical stuff. Or when I have some problems I still sometimes hear your voice telling me not to make it all so difficult.

I wonder if you’ll ever let go of me, if you ever give me the chance to totally live my own life. Or that maybe you and I are meant to have a life together. Because, you know, maybe it’s not that we’re not meant to be, maybe we were just not yet ready for forever.

I still see you everywhere, but it’s just memories. People walking the same way you did and still do. People wearing the same clothes you used to wear. And memories are everywhere, walking hand in hand, talking about the future. Memories of the beautiful things you once told me.

But our love is over, I’m doing fine, I will never forget you. But please choose, let go of me forever or love me again. Will you forever have the power over me, will I never get rid of you?

Add a comment 27/03/2009

The past isn´t worth holding on to.

There really are times I’m looking back at the times we spent together. Wondering what it was that made you change. Wondering if we’ll ever be back together. I admit, sometimes I really miss what we had. Thinking about the smiles we shared, the kisses that made my stomach turn around. People thought we were like ‘the perfect couple’, but they were all wrong. They didn’t see me cry every weekend. They didn’t see me turn into a quiet girl. They didn’t notice the way I quit having fun with friends, just because I was hoping for change. Waiting for your call. Waiting for you to come to me. But you left me, way before we broke up. You changed, I saw it from the look in your eyes. At least, when I think back now, I knew it long ago. It wasn’t for nothing I cried so much the day you left, just for a few days. While you were only saying it was just for a few days. Unfortunately it wasn’t. And you broke my heart so bad, I rather died than to go on living without you! Slowly I got back to be the person I always was, before I met you. I thought about it, and it wasn’t only sunshine for us. We had hard times, I never got what I deserved. So I asked myself the question; do you want a boy that doesn’t love you as much as you need? Don’t you want a boy that tells you he loves you, and tells you you are the best thing in his world. And that was my turning point. I know I deserve a boy who loves me at all times, a boy I mean the world to. You just weren’t that boy. But you should know that I am forever changed because of what you meant to me. You showed me life in a good way, you taught me so much things about life, and I’m thankful for that. So even if we never talk again, I hope you look back on us, with a smile on your face. I’m not sure you’ll do that. But I try to imagine you’ll do that.

Life goes on, and if I kept holding on to the past I would still try to get you back.

The fact that I let you go, doesn’t mean I don’t care anymore, doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten it all. It doesn’t mean that what you’re doing doesn’t make me feel anything. It’s not like I’m not hurt anymore… It’s just the wound is healing, and sometimes if you flash by, it bleeds again. But little by little a scarf is taking shape. And it’s not bleeding anymore. The scarf is getting less and less painful, talking about you is getting easier, and so does forgetting about you.

Add a comment 26/01/2009

Somehow, someday…

Somehow, someday, something changed. Things were not the way they were before anymore. Slowly we walked away from each other, distance made everything harder. Every time I showed up, you were always gone. I tried and I tried to make things better. To make our relation much easier. But you didn’t want my opinion, you wanted your own way of life. I was taken for granted. I wasn’t that big a part of your life. I was just for fun. I thought you made me happy, I believed you were able to make me happy for the rest of my life. But I was just blind, blind to see how much sadness you brought me. Blind to see how you did me wrong. I’m lucky to have friends like mine, they would have never left me, never! They stick up for me, whenever I feel bad or down. They didn’t tell me to break up with you, but they made me see what damage you caused. They made me see there were better guys out there. They told me that you were not the only one. They made me think about you and me. You promised me things would be better, but it didn’t. Nothing got any better, nothing! From that moment on, I knew I had to choose for my own this time. So though I loved you, you were like the world to me. I had to make a decision, you had to choose. You should have chosen me, but you didn’t dare to. You kept your pride high, I thought it was a lousy choice. After you told me, you didn’t want me anymore, I cried for weeks. But then I knew, I had to let go. You didn’t take care of me, the way a boyfriend should have done. You didn’t love me, the way you could. You didn’t want me, just because you thought there were more important things in life. It was a hard decision for me to make, but since then I learned what I need in life, in love. I learned what I’m worth. And life showed me you were not worth holding on to. In a relation you shouldn’t be crying every week, you shouldn’t wonder whether loves you or not. Those are things you should feel, and I’m sorry to say that you never made me feel that way, like you did when we were only together for a few months. It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t my fault… Together we made things change. Somehow, someday…

Add a comment 25/01/2009